A part of me


that I sometimes hate.

Today was perhaps one of my many life's dissapointments, I failed my 1st driving test at Ubi test centre. After which many people, from family to friends and colleagues all said something close to “Its ok, most people don't pass on the 1st time, some 2nd, some 3rd or even more” try again and you will pass!

Its funny how I sometime say that other people who failed in other stuff, perhaps a good example is modules in NTU, or the more famous word “Ta Bao” try again, try harder, do more and u will make it. Of course people have said these to me before, and yes I try harder, put in more effort and I do pass, though at times i don't and “ta bao” a 2nd time.

However, this time it felt so different. The only reason in my head now is that I believe I prepared well for it, went for extra circuit, ran through the steps in my head, prayed, told myself to keep cool, be slow and steady in the circuit. I seem to do everything right BEFORE the test but when at the actual test, my nerves got the better of me, followed by a culmination of mistakes, dampening my confidence and just as i thought i regained, i made another mistake.

So bam, i felt so undeserving to pass, let alone muster courage to ask for “favours” from the tester. All i could mutter was “but I avoided the kerb the 1st time”, but futile, it wasn't the only major mistake I made.

All I felt was anger at my own foolishness, my own inability to control my nerves, to handle the pressure, to regain composure. Everything went wrong, or at least it felt, or at least the wrong outdid the right. And every mistake I made, I made before, corrected by my instructor and then practice it again.

This is the part of me, that makes me sometimes really hate myself; When I know how to do something right and actually done it right before, learnt from the mistake but yet commit the very same mistake at the crucial moment. Why? I asked myself and I just can't seem to find the answer. Just sadness and more anger.

I have recovered from previous failures in life, and somehow that actually has been my life, dotted with failures but also comebacks from them. These has made me stronger but somehow at this stage, I ask myself “shouldn't I stop making mistakes and get it right the 1st time?” I should have grown wiser, smarter to know how to cultivate the attitude and aptitude of getting things right the 1st time. After all, that is, at least to me, what Singapore's famous education is suppose to innoculate in us. And it is this very same thing that frustrates me, part of me is prone to mistakes and this is part of my learning process but another part of me wants to get it right the 1st time. The latter is of course perhaps what everybody wants to achieve?

Perhaps somehow somewhere in me, is just tired of making mistakes, but just want to do it right the 1st time. Perhaps because learning from mistakes is the hard way but ain't we all programmed that way? Is this a neverending struggle?

I don't know, but the feeling certainly isn't great, it still irks me although I know I really need 2 get over it but I can't, not at least 4 today. What abt tmr? Tmr isn't necessary a better day or perhaps I need 2 take things lightly? But I have been!! thats why i told myself to relax and trust my instinct.
But alas, 2 remind me again of my failure and the subsequent sadness.
How long would it be before I put this behind me? Move on, learn from it and do better, that is what I have been doing my whole life! ERIC get it over!!!!!!

I can write but somehow, the usual response isn't triggered, its that “I'm not myself” feeling, I know it but i'm not doing anything abt it. Why is affecting me so much???? i have no idea, I wish it could just happen like in a soccer video game, press restart and play the match again and make sure u beat that opponent!

That opponent is myself, not the car. Has this incident triggered something else in me? Perhaps i just need time and stop thinking abt it.....the more I write, the more upset I get, i think i better stop.
At least this avenue to vent out your feelings and thoughts is still here, perhaps to whoever reads this can give some timely advice. But a 2nd entry of the year, in like 6 months, the negative side of me tells me, “whos going to read?”, the +ve side says “someone who cares” but who?